Dan Up
by AnimateObsessive
Summary: Dan meets the most infuriating, self-absorbed, ill-tempered woman he has ever met in his entire life...and his heart swells. Note: Was meant to be a crossover with "Mother Up!", but there's no category for that show.


"Maybe if you understood what it was like to be in love, you wouldn't be so judgmental of me and Elise."

Why was Dan remembering the words Chris spoke to him so long ago? He recalled the tone of the words, the atmosphere, and every single item that had been present in the room. It was directly following Elise and Chris's marriage, after Dan stormed out in fury. Chris had discovered him crouched behind a potted plant in the reception hall, attempting to strike a match. In typical Dan style, he had obviously been on the verge of setting the room ablaze in his disappointment. It seemed that a part of him had been convinced throughout the ceremony that Chris would abruptly alter his mindset about marrying Elise. When this did not happen, his anger shot past the line. The matches were wrested from him after a brief struggle and a frank discussion ensured between the two men. There had been much screaming on Dan's side of it, but Chris had remained surprisingly even-tempered throughout. His only defense against Dan's tirade was to calmly explain, many times in a row, that he loved Elise and there was nothing that could be done about their nuptials at this late stage. This stoked the fires of Dan's rage, but Chris's level of serenity only elevated with Dan's level of displeasure.

"Dan, I'm happy. I don't care if you disapprove. I'm happy, Elise is happy, and my parents are thrilled that I ended up with a girl who doesn't have some shadowy, dangerous secret. You can accept my happiness or you can walk away and never come back."

In all the years of their twisted friendship, Dan had never had to do more than tell Chris "no". A simple nudge was sufficient for total compliance. That was the unique way their relationship worked: Dan demanded, Chris submitted. This dynamic continued through their high school and adult years...until Elise moved into the picture. Suddenly, Chris was the one saying "no". _No, _he would not break up with Elise. _No, _he would not skip a date with her to help Dan with another pointless revenge scheme. _No, _he would not call off the engagement. _No, _he would not move to Australia to help Dan get revenge on Wild Dingo's Biscuits. Dan even tried to bribe his once-faithful minion with a delicious array of sweets, but the response was the same: Once the food was eaten, it was back to the same resistance. Dan wasn't in control anymore. But he didn't leave. Chris was the only real friend he'd ever had. He couldn't descend back into his lonely shell just because of some woman his faithful idiot had fallen for. He had more endurance than that.

What could he do? He could cope. He could accept it as a truth...for now. He was still hoping that Chris would one day divorce Elise, or vice versa, and things would return back to how they were meant to be. He only had to wait, even if it took ten years for them to come to their senses. He could hold out for as long as it took.

In the meantime, he could continue with his revenge schemes. Chris remained a willing aid, only slightly hampered by Elise's common sense. They were a flawless team: The visionary and the servant.

Dan's current focus for vengeance?

Elise, the woman who had nearly taken his best friend away from him by saying "Yes".

And recently, she had whisked said best friend to a beach resort without warning, leaving Dan to deal with his own problems.

Capital error on her part.

Dan got to the resort through a combination of hitchhiking, buses, stealing coins from parking meters, riding various ill-tempered animals, and "borrowing" a little girl's brand new bicycle from outside of an ice cream parlor until the police caught up with him. By the time he arrived, two days after discovering what Elise had done, his mood had turned from casually bitter to absolutely vengeful. He was beside himself with anger that Elise had forced him to go through that terrible ordeal. She should have known better than to take Chris without his written permission. The pair of them made rules about this for a reason! Naturally she would ignore these guidelines and whisk Chris away, leaving only a badly-written message on the door to explain!

The woman at the desk turned her nose up at Dan's appearance. He wasn't too bothered by her reaction. His hair was a mess, his clothes were stained and torn, he had several bleeding cuts across his exposed stomach, and his uncut, claw-like toenails protruded from a hole in his right sneaker. He was not the type of person one greets warmly.

"Can I help you, sir?" she inquired, clearly hoping the answer was that she could not.

Dan put his hand on the desk, giving the woman a good look at his broken fingernails and the thick layer of dirt caked the remains.

"Room, please!" he demanded.

He extended his other hand and deposited a mixture of items on the desk. There was some money in the little pile, but it mostly consisted of random things one finds in their pockets: A crumpled up parking ticket, an empty bubblegum wrapper, a torn movie ticket, bits of tissue, a cork, and a coupon for an off-brand cereal entitled "Average Puffs". The money itself was mostly change, with a few dollar bills tossed in. It all came to a grand total of fifteen dollars and ten cents.

The woman regarded the pathetic little man before her without humor.

"Sir, this is the Sunniest Sun Resort," she told him coldly. "A single room will cost you at least six hundred dollars. A double twice the amount. For the amount you have here, the most we can do for you is a nice little broom closet with no view, no meal service, no bed, no heat, no television, and no storage space except for whatever room is left in the tiny drawer where the janitor keeps his spare sponges."

Dan considered this. It sounded only slightly worse than his infested dump of an apartment where he normally resided. If there were no gigantic ants roaming the place, it was officially _better _than his apartment and therefore technically a luxury vacation.

"Are buffet privileges included?" he inquired.

"No, sir, that costs extra."

Dan's stomach uttered a growl of protest at this news. He had gone through the three turkey sandwiches he had packed within the space of two hours and had only eaten half a candy bar since. Furthermore, revenge was best served on a full stomach. His elaborate plans couldn't even begin to take shape if his stomach was begging for food.

"Okay, let's strike a deal," he proposed finally. "I take that broom closet and give you this tempting fifteen bucks. In exchange, I want a turkey sandwich, _without dairy products of any kind, _delivered to my room once a day. I get food and a room, you get money. I advise you to take the deal before it permanently leaves the table."

The woman couldn't decide if this man was joking or if he was this moronic. A part of her wanted to summon security. She would enjoy witnessing him being thrown out by Hans and Gabe. Yet she didn't call for security, convinced that she might get through to the imbecile.

"Sorry, but we don't make deals," she responded crisply. "Our policy is strictly "Take It or Leave It"."

Another woman's voice spoke up from behind Dan, but not directed at him. This voice, passing over his presence, spoke directly to the woman behind the front desk.

"Excuse me, but my kid threw up in the pool. I know it's not your job to clean it up, but...clean it up."

"Hey, I'm...," Dan began, outraged at this ill-mannered female.

However, the woman paid him no attention whatsoever. She continued to speak as if he wasn't there standing between her and the desk. Even more humiliating, this woman was obviously a head or two taller than him. This was in part due to the expensive high heels she was wearing and in part due to the fact that Dan simply wasn't that tall. Therefore she was able to stand behind him and talk over his head as if he was a decorative vase.

"I'm trying to get a date with the sexy lifeguard working at the pool, so if you could just clean up my kid's vomit instead of making him do it, I promise I'll think of you while I'm on a date with an attractive guy you could only ever dream of being interested in you."

"I'll _bite, _you know!" Dan threatened, his rage escalating.

The flustered woman at the desk had ceased paying attention to him as well, furthering his anger.

"I...I don't...what?" she stuttered, appearing a little dazed.

"Did you forget to take your drugs this morning? I said I need you to clean up my kid's puke! It's _everywhere. _On the walls, in the water, on the _outside of the pool. _If I were you, I'd get a _big _mop. Don't bother putting on anything over that frumpy dress you're wearing, though. Vomit would go perfectly with that color you chose."

The woman turned away as if the conversation had ended, even though the other woman was merely stammering in astonishment. She acted as if an agreement had passed between the two regarding the cleaning of the pool. She began striding back the way she had come, toward the sliding doors that gave one entry to the resort. However, she turned back to the desk prior to reaching them to deliver one final comment.

"A little feedback about the décor: Get rid of that ugly goblin statue. I don't normally say things look like shit, but that thing really does. Why you'd put something so unattractive and vile at your front desk I'll never know. I guess horrible taste doesn't just apply to clothes."

Dan stared after the woman, seething. Revenge on Elise and Chris departed from his mind in one rush of newfound indignation. He had _never _been treated this rudely by another human being without just cause! Perhaps if he had unleashed a live skunk into this woman's room she _might _have been justified in her actions, but he hadn't even met her before this point.

It didn't matter. He was perfectly willing to destroy an impolite redheaded stranger.


End file.
